I Dont Think I Dont Know Anymore

You have to be in a mood to answer certain things. Other times you have to be in a mood to think at all. Its not even a matter of being caught off-guard or too tired. Maybe perhaps it is being too tired to actually spend time pondering over yourself and what the hell is going on with your life. “What am I even doing?”. Those days. And those questions.

“What makes you happy?”

“What’s going on?”

I had a conversation with a friend recently who seemed really concerned about my well being. So I decided to be completely and consciously honest and clear. I don’t have that many friends and I rarely have deep, ongoing conversations with countable people. But I decided to give a shot to not answering vaguely. I spent a little while thinking about happiness, I thought about the past and recent events that occurred in my life and I began to cry. How motherfucking ironic. To think about happiness and feel utter sadness. I mean duh, memories and reality realizations are gonna affect your emotions and thinking scales and yeah you’re gonna be affected. But I didn’t start crying because I felt sorrow, I did because I understood what happiness was and that its been taken away from me many times with and without my consent, and I didnt realize so. Also because I could have answered very simply what makes me happy because there is simplicity in my likings. Playing the piano, which I don’t anymore. Reading, which I do. Star gazing, which I dont anymore. Writing, which I do. Making others happy. My happiness is like a river, free flowing and natural, its always there but like nature sometimes obstructions get the best of natural beauty. The world of debris can clog a perfect course and to be happy sometimes is crushed by stagnant pollution and interference. There is the question, “Can I be a river anymore?” So I have concluded that happiness does not only depend on me. And the tremendous misconception remains that “You are responsible for your own happiness”. This remains true because we have been glorifying self-love and independency and its been caging us to believe we do not need each other and man are a self-praising race. I have not forgotten that I am an earthly creature and that I was created with attributes that carry me dependent on the right things of the earth. Food, air, and those things of my fathers and sisters and significant other; love, brotherly kindness, compassion…… happiness. It is true, as individuals we must and should keep ourselves happy. As humans we grasp on to hobbies and keep them as safe havens for when we need to escape sadness and bewilderment. A grand piano cannot play itself but boy do we love the music it makes.

Sometimes I curse myself for the almost inevitable ability to feel everything so deeply. But what good is it to graze myself. Why linger on the things you cannot change. Why change yourself. But change is constant. We all must change in life. I’ve had enough pelted my way about “finding happiness”. Its not a street or the blue house on the right. I am not always going to feel happiness. But I will always be able to become happy. A river is a river even after it has changed its course. I will be beaten up mentally, and have my heart terribly broken into pieces but it won’t be the first time crawling on blood. I know what makes me happy, its something hidden in my heart that I cannot speak or express. Believe me I’ve tried. But it only matters that I know. I understand. I still have that strength in me despite all against me, despite all anguish, ambush. Hey, I answered the question. You know, that makes me so happy.

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